Saturday, January 14, 2012

Awesome LMFO Parody Featuring Elmo

What do you get when you cross Sesame Street's one and only Elmo with LMFAO

I'm EMLO and I know it by W. Jeff Crawford

New: Get the LMFAO Elmo MP3 Song here; I'm Elmo and I know it

Donate to Jeff's latest Project Here http://www.indiegogo.com/motr



Read More... LMFAO

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Money

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Value for your money

Bill Clinton was taking a late evening jog when he spotted a very attractive young lady standing on a street corner. Seizing the opportunity he goes up to her and starts a conversation. It doesn't take long for him to find out that she is a prostitute.

"Well," says Bill, "How much do you charge?"

"One hundred and fifty dollars." she answers.

"One hundred and fifty dollars!"  Bill exclaims.

"Yes, one hundred and fifty dollars." she says.

"I can't believe you charge one hundred and fifty dollars."  He says.

"Well, how much do you think it should cost?"  she asks.

"About ten dollars."  Bill flatly states.

"TEN DOLLARS!"  she cries, "Sorry, it's one hundred and fifty dollars."

Bill shakes his head and continues his jog.

A few days later, he is out jogging late in the evening again, but this time Hillary decides to join him.  Bill sees that the same prostitute is standing on the street corner again and decides to steer Hillary away from her, so they jog on the opposite side of the street.  The prostitute however happens to see them running and yells:

"Hey, see what you get for ten dollars!!"

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The olympics

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event.
It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has.  Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold!  If he does, you're finished!"  The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match:  The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening.  All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded!  When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?  No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.  I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Canibals Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.  The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that  now we've caught you and we're going to kill you.  We will put you  in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to  build a canoe.  The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."  The chief gives him a sword,  the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please."  The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save  the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!"  The chief is puzzled, but he  shrugs and gives him a fork.  The New Yorker takes the fork and  starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,  everywhere.  There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.  The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"  And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Doctor Visit

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been
here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blakes office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

Monday, October 31, 2011

The new PC Terms when talking about a female

         She is not:
         A BAD COOK
         She is:
         MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

        She does not:
         GET PMS
         She becomes:
         HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

         She does not have:
         A KILLER BODY
         She is:
         TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

         She is not:
         A BAD DRIVER
         She is:
         AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

         She is not a:
         PERFECT 10
         She is:
         NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

         She is not:
         EASY
         She is:
         HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

         She does not:
         HATE SPORTS ON TV
         She is:
         ATHLETICALLY BIASED

         You do not ask her:
         TO DANCE
         You request a:
         PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

         She is not:
         HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
         She is:
         MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

         She is not:
         COLD OR FRIGID
         She is:
         THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

         She does not:
         WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
         She is:
         COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

         She does not have:
         GREAT CLEAVAGE
         Her breasts are:
         CENTRALLY LOCATED

         She is not:
         A SCREAMER OR MOANER
         She is:
         VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

         She does not:
         SUN BATHE
         She experiences:
         SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

         She does not:
         CUT YOU OFF
         She becomes:
         HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

         She does not have:
         BIG HAIR
         She is:
         OVERLY AEROSOLED

         She does not:
         SHOP TOO MUCH
         She is:
         OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS