Tuesday, July 13, 2010

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Execuse Letters

The routine is familiar: when a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth.

  • “My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.”
  • “Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.”
  • “Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.”
  • “Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.”
  • “Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”
  • “John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.”
  • “Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”
  • “Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.”
  • “Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.”
  • “Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.”
  • “Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.”
  • “Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.”
  • “Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.”
  • “Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.”
  • “Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.”
  • “My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.”
  • “Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.”
  • “Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”
  • “Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.”
  • “Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.”
  • “Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.”