Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Atheism Humor: Seriously, a Religion? | PurpleSlinky

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He was lying awake all night wondering if there was really a Dog.

How many atheists did it take to fix the light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and another to videotape the job so that others would not claim that it was Gods doing.

Read More...

 

 Modify Subscription Options

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Funny Customs from the 1500's

From: The Daily Joke: Well, if I ever wondered where all the funny phrases like bringing home the bacon came from. This article provides some interesting and funny ideas. Who knows if they are all true, but then again no one in the 1500's can defend themselves today..right?<br /><br /><a href="http://tinyurl.com/5pubkx">Read Mor

Read More...

 

 Modify Subscription Options

Vital Things to know about taking a bath

- When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just
as you leave  the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just
as the hot water runs out.

- Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can.


- If you run a bath too hot you don't realize this until
you sit in the other end and burn your arse.

- It is physically impossible to turn a tap on or off
with your foot.

- When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips
forward until it is positioned exactly beneath the dripping tap.

- The odd flannel you are using to wash yourself is not a
flannel at all; it is a sock which has fallen from above.

- The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface
of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave.

- Lost soap is ALWAYS behind you.

- When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is
the one bit you just realized you forgot to wash.

- However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when
you put your clothes on.

Funny Complaints and Customer Service

B&Q Hardware Retail

Customer: Can I pay for items over the phone with cash?
Agent:      Aw…well, I suppose you could fax it to us.

Microsoft technical help-desk

Agent:      Right, now I want you to close all the open windows.
(after 5 minutes of silence)
Customer: The only window that was open was in the bathroom…I’ve closed that, now what?

Au Natural

Customer: Hi, I am looking for candles.
Agent:      OK, is it just any kind of candles?
Customer: No, it’s those scented ones…now what do you call them?  That’s it, incest candles.

Read more: http://purpleslinky.com/humor/work/funny-complaints-and-customer-service-calls/#ixzz10p6hggOg

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Analogies you probably won't find in great literature

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. 

From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
mistake

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. 

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth

John and Mary had never met.  They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Buying Deodorant

From: The Daily Joke: <h2><a href="file:///home/adminbrad/tmp/funny/buying-deorderant/index.html" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link: Buying Deorderant"></a></h2><div class="MsoNormal">A [<i>not too intelligent</i>] lady walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist

Read More...

 

 Modify Subscription Options

Saturday, September 25, 2010

All Dogs go to heaven

From: The Daily Joke: <div align="left" dir="ltr"><span style="color: #001fe2; font-family: Arial; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #001fe2; font-family: Arial; font-size: 18pt;">Do Dogs go to Heaven? Hysterical! These two churches face each other across</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial

Read More...

 

 Modify Subscription Options

Friday, September 24, 2010

8 months pregnant

From: The Daily Joke: A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.<br /><br />This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.<br /><br />When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she comp

Read More...

 

 Modify Subscription Options

Monday, September 20, 2010

The housekeeper

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose he took it do you?"

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:

"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping
in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Where should you pee?

Ur-ine in your car, ur-ine the shower, ur-ine the park – Pee dilemma? No worries, you can now consult this simple flow chart for all your pee needs.



Via: buzzfeed 

Also don't miss:

Friday, September 17, 2010

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Fun with accents

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .



The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,

'Make a sentence using the words

Yellow,


Pink, and Green .'



Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,

'Mister manager, I am ready.'



The manager said, 'Go ahead.'



Mujibar said,

'The telephone goes green, green,

and I pink it up, and say,

Yellow
, this is Mujibar.'



Mujibar now works at a call center.


No doubt you have spoken to him


And just to be an equal oppertunity joke - don't forget see this poem of why English is so hard, or check out this funny spelling mistakes!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Funny Mario Bros Video

 
On Sept 13, - 25 years ago the first Mario Brothers was released. In honor of this occasion, here's some Mario Brothers humor to amuse you, hope you enjoy it!



Monday, September 13, 2010

Letters to Welfare

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to
individuals and families with income below a certain level.
The following quotations are taken from actual letters received
by the Welfare Department in applications for support of
receiving payments.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children.
I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet
of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby
was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and
has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am
now living with can't do anything until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son
illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before
he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing
10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children
one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I
haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be
forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this
make any difference?

14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck
driver and works night and day.

15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed
with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good.
If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to
twins in the enclosed envelope.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Funny Problem Solving Flowcharts

Some of my favorites. Hope you enjoy em!

The 36 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Oh those Engineers

Two software engineers were standing in the park.

One had a new bike.

The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"

The first said , "It was free."

The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"

The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted."

The other software engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Grammar

    A Chicago salesman on a business trip to Boston had a few hours to kill before catching a plane home. Remembering an old friend's advice to try some broiled scrod, a favorite fish in Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver, "Say, do you know where I could get scrod around here?"

    "Pal," replied the driver, "I've heard that question a thousand times, but this is the first time in the passive pluperfect subjunctive."