Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lumberjack Needed

A Canadian Lumber Camp advertises for a Lumberjack.

A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.

The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the lumberjack.  "Take your axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," says the guy. 

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"

Friday, November 19, 2010

Bob Marley Sooths Kid in Car

This is SO cute. Does this work for all little "demon"s. Next time your child has a tantrum just put on a little Bob Marley and see how it goes

Anyway, adorable baby and awesome song.



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Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Checkout Lady

A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl atcheckout #3.  He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?".  She says "Sure What size are you?".

 "I don't know" he replies.  "Well, just let me check" the cashier says.  She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE.  EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3."

They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.

Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3.  He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?".

The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you  need?".

He says "Well, I don't know."  She says "Just let me check here."

She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3."

They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly,
"Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?".  "Yep" she says.

"What size do you need?"  "I don't know" he says.  She unzips his zipper for
a feel, pauses and says over the intercom,


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Funny Employee Recommendation

From: The Daily Joke: <iframe FRAMEBORDER=0 SRC="" HEIGHT=600 WIDTH=615></IFRAME><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='' alt='' /></div>



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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Darwin Awards - 1997

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by  killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred  feet above the roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner:  Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly.  When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.  Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him.  When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea.  He decided to fly.  He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium.  The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium.  He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair.

He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didn't quite work out that way.  When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead  he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon.  He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at  100 feet.  After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000  feet.

At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he
unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble.  So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry.  He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun.  Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean.  Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow.  It carried Larry out
to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry.  Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore.  The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.  As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped,turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.

Vital Things to know about taking a bath

From: The Daily Joke: - When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just<br />as you leave&nbsp; the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just<br />as the hot water runs out.<br /><br />- Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can.<br /><br /><br />- If you run a bath too hot you don



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Monday, November 1, 2010

The Gift

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!

There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"