Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Funny Answering Machine Messages - Part 1

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS."

You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

"Hi. Now you say something."

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving  my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Darwin Awards - 1996

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the 1996 nominee is:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.  He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.  However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the
brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Relationhip Dictionary

 DATING:
  The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy
  to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially   like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

 EASY:
  A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

 EYE CONTACT:
  A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that
  she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
  women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
  necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that
  a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

 FRIEND:
  A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
  flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

 INDIFFERENCE:
  A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by
  the man as "playing hard to get."

 IRRITATING HABIT:
  What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two
  people to each other turn into after a few months together.

 NYMPHOMANIAC:
  A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often
  than he does.

 SOBER:
  A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

 ATTRACTION:
  The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

 LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
  What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
  choosy people  meet.

 LAW OF RELATIVITY:
  How attractive a given person appears to be is directly
  proportionate to how unattractive your date is.