Thursday, June 30, 2011

Painless Baby Delivery

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine  that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it.  The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. 

She and her husband were ecstatic.  When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Age of Consent

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course.  He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and  said,

"Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading thismagazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied,
"I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

 The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Difference of the sexes

Are Men and Women really the same?

Read these two versions of getting a haircut and answer the question yourself.

Women's version:

Woman 2: Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Lord no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Men's version:

Man2:   Haircut?
Man1:   Yeah.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion
furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls.
The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage
with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,

"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Statue

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such
exemplary statues, " he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift.  I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."  And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches.  Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."