Friday, July 29, 2011

Religious Golf

Jesus and Moses were playing golf and Jesus had a pretty bad shot over a water hazard onto the green. Moses told Jesus to use a 4 iron (a certain type of golf club - for those of you who are non-golfers) and Jesus said that if the world's most famous golfer, Jack Nicholas, can succeed using a 3 iron than he can use a 3 iron as well.

Again, Jesus hit the ball with the 3 iron and the ball fell right in the water - a horrible situation for a golfer.

He asked Moses to go get his ball so Moses went and parted the water and got the ball. He then asked Jesus if he now was going to you use a 4 iron.

He argued again if Jack Nicholas can use a 3 iron he can use a 3 iron and he proceeded to hit his ball in the water again, and again he asked Moses to get his ball.

Moses said if he hit his ball in the water one more time, than he would have to get the ball himself from the water.

"So, will you use the 4 iron now, asked Moses"

Jesus repeated again "If Jack Nicholas can use a 3 iron...  and he proceeded to plop the ball directly into the water - AGAIN.

Jesus didn't bother asking Moses again to help out, so he went out himself to get his ball. At the same time, a man walked by and saw him walking on the water and asked Moses. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No", replied Moses, "Jack Nicholas."

Friday, July 15, 2011

Computers in Movies

Ever notice computers as depicted in movies?  You computer guru's will know what I'm talking about... not sure about everyone else...   Here are some things to watch for...

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or       
some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand  graphical interfaces. Those that don't have incredibly powerful  text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: You can  gain access to any information you want by simply typing  "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress" or "Independence Day").

All computers are connected.  You can access the information on     
the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever      
the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output  on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.  The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix  printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just         underneath the surface.  Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion  that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving    
the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world      
before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see      
"Demolition Man" and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will      
be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the      
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any
system you put it into. All application software is usable by     
all computer platforms. The more high-tech the equipment, the  more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been   highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-    
dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic  graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing      
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it  
 projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

Thursday, July 7, 2011

A visit to the doctor

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's office.
The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor  said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from from insurance company for a visit to the
doctors office.