Saturday, August 27, 2011

Women vs Men

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.


HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Math

An 80 year old couple were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

The old woman said that she was tired of her husband cause he never wanted to have sex, so she was going to go get a 20 year old male stripper for the night.

This made the old man upset so he told his wife that he was going to get a 20 year old female stripper for the night.

So the old woman laughed and laughed at the old man.

He wanted to know why she was laughing.

She told him that 20 goes into 80 better than 80 goes into 20.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Human Intelligence

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person:  "A little.  What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.  I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.  She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker-now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.  "No, just this remote thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key
and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk."
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My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.  As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'mnot stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.   What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.  With that,
the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed  into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back t make a sandwich.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.  The person who answered
 said, "Bob is on vacation.  Would you like to hold?"

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Winking

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.  However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,  and asked for aspirin?"