Tuesday, September 27, 2011

No Returns Please

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red lights on in  his rear view mirror.  He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors  it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour (160 km/hr) Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, \ the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up.

He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.  He  leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I  just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran  off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear view  mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The officer let him go.

Friday, September 23, 2011

President Clinton and the pope

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets was to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope:  Sorry about the mix up.

President Clinton:  No problem.

Pope:  Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

President Clinton:  Why's that?

Pope:  All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

President Clinton: You're a day late.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Letter to Heaven

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.  Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord,
USA, they decided to send it to the President.  The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.

President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.  The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord,

Thank you very much for sending me the money.  However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.



Thursday, September 1, 2011

Dogs and Their Owners

Four men were talking about how smart their dog's were. The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog "T Squared" could do drafting. He told the dog to get some paper; draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did easily.

The Accountant , said his dog "Spreadsheet", was smarter. He told his dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide the cookies into piles of three, which the dog did with no problem.

The Chemist, said his dog "Beaker", was even smarter. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass, which the dog did with no problem.

The three men then turned to the bureuacrat and asked what could his dog do. The bureuacrat called his dog "Coffee Break" and told him to show the guys what he could do. Coffee Break then trotted over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workers compensation and left for home on sick leave - with pay!