Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The olympics

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event.
It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has.  Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold!  If he does, you're finished!"  The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match:  The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening.  All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded!  When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?  No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.  I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Canibals Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.  The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that  now we've caught you and we're going to kill you.  We will put you  in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to  build a canoe.  The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."  The chief gives him a sword,  the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please."  The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save  the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!"  The chief is puzzled, but he  shrugs and gives him a fork.  The New Yorker takes the fork and  starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,  everywhere.  There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.  The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"  And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Doctor Visit

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been
here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blakes office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."