tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86043503863417385042024-02-19T04:02:46.232-08:00The Daily JokeGet your daily dose of funnyBrad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.comBlogger123125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-20111051293657453292012-01-14T13:42:00.001-08:002021-08-07T05:25:32.893-07:00Awesome LMFO Parody Featuring ElmoWhat do you get when you cross Sesame Street's one and only Elmo with LMFAO<br />
<br />
I'm EMLO and I know it by W. Jeff Crawford<br />
<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/0QTIDhZmfKQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="0QTIDhZmfKQ"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This video gets removed periodically due to 'copyright' issues. Even though it's totally falls under 'fair use'. Enjoy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<div>
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</div>
Audio file can be found here: </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">https://archive.org/details/LMFAO-Elmo_Parody</div><br />Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-54591085638440793352011-12-18T09:05:00.001-08:002021-08-07T05:00:21.094-07:00Men, Money & Logic<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz-3OV_pJUMsQLY3aa6EO-qM1A2k9Xrgji0OJ09ekNwZmHexJXHnGIs7dkJlBXzITY6yW_r_RwRzTKIyPa-pSeyKX0v7eHQi7rt-Auoo-9yj4sTFIqf1vbXJXjZVHLW99iTdNI1OMVlNiu/s300/women_MARRY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="225" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz-3OV_pJUMsQLY3aa6EO-qM1A2k9Xrgji0OJ09ekNwZmHexJXHnGIs7dkJlBXzITY6yW_r_RwRzTKIyPa-pSeyKX0v7eHQi7rt-Auoo-9yj4sTFIqf1vbXJXjZVHLW99iTdNI1OMVlNiu/s0/women_MARRY.jpg" width="225" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.<br />
<br />
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." <br />
<br />
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." <br />
<br />
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." <br />
<br />
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-89125620635644417372011-12-03T11:01:00.000-08:002011-12-03T11:01:00.180-08:00Value for your moneyBill Clinton was taking a late evening jog when he spotted a very attractive young lady standing on a street corner. Seizing the opportunity he goes up to her and starts a conversation. It doesn't take long for him to find out that she is a prostitute.<br />
<br />
"Well," says Bill, "How much do you charge?"<br />
<br />
"One hundred and fifty dollars." she answers.<br />
<br />
"One hundred and fifty dollars!" Bill exclaims.<br />
<br />
"Yes, one hundred and fifty dollars." she says.<br />
<br />
"I can't believe you charge one hundred and fifty dollars." He says.<br />
<br />
"Well, how much do you think it should cost?" she asks.<br />
<br />
"About ten dollars." Bill flatly states.<br />
<br />
"TEN DOLLARS!" she cries, "Sorry, it's one hundred and fifty dollars."<br />
<br />
Bill shakes his head and continues his jog.<br />
<br />
A few days later, he is out jogging late in the evening again, but this time Hillary decides to join him. Bill sees that the same prostitute is standing on the street corner again and decides to steer Hillary away from her, so they jog on the opposite side of the street. The prostitute however happens to see them running and yells:<br />
<br />
"Hey, see what you get for ten dollars!!"Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-11692142355873070492011-11-15T11:11:00.000-08:002011-11-15T11:11:00.731-08:00The Canibals CanoeA Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."<br />
<br />
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. <br />
<br />
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. <br />
<br />
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-64553899822285446452011-10-31T09:31:00.000-07:002011-10-31T09:31:00.361-07:00The new PC Terms when talking about a female She is not:<br />
A BAD COOK<br />
She is:<br />
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE<br />
<br />
She does not:<br />
GET PMS<br />
She becomes:<br />
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL<br />
<br />
She does not have:<br />
A KILLER BODY<br />
She is:<br />
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE<br />
<br />
She is not:<br />
A BAD DRIVER<br />
She is:<br />
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED<br />
<br />
She is not a:<br />
PERFECT 10<br />
She is:<br />
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR<br />
<br />
She is not:<br />
EASY<br />
She is:<br />
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE<br />
<br />
She does not:<br />
HATE SPORTS ON TV<br />
She is:<br />
ATHLETICALLY BIASED<br />
<br />
You do not ask her:<br />
TO DANCE<br />
You request a:<br />
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE<br />
<br />
She is not:<br />
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS<br />
She is:<br />
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED<br />
<br />
She is not:<br />
COLD OR FRIGID<br />
She is:<br />
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE<br />
<br />
She does not:<br />
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP<br />
She is:<br />
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED<br />
<br />
She does not have:<br />
GREAT CLEAVAGE<br />
Her breasts are:<br />
CENTRALLY LOCATED<br />
<br />
She is not:<br />
A SCREAMER OR MOANER<br />
She is:<br />
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE<br />
<br />
She does not:<br />
SUN BATHE<br />
She experiences:<br />
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT<br />
<br />
She does not:<br />
CUT YOU OFF<br />
She becomes:<br />
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE<br />
<br />
She does not have:<br />
BIG HAIR<br />
She is:<br />
OVERLY AEROSOLED<br />
<br />
She does not:<br />
SHOP TOO MUCH<br />
She is:<br />
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYSBrad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-82971392740429036372011-10-06T09:25:00.000-07:002011-10-06T09:25:00.268-07:00NANA man goes into a bar and noticing a very attractive woman, sits beside her. Looking her over, he notices her brief case with the letters NAN and says, "NAN can I buy you a drink?".<br />
<br />
The girl looks up and says, "Yes you can , but my name is not NAN."<br />
<br />
To which the man replies, ì what does Nan stand for. The lady explains that NAN is the National Association of Nyphomanics and that they are having a local convention.<br />
<br />
To which the man asks, What do they discuss at these conventions.<br />
<br />
The Lady replies that they discuss the attributes of men......for example we know that Native American Men are well endowed, that Jewish men know exactly what to say to a woman and that men from the countryside have staying power. They can go on for hours on end.<br />
<br />
Then she says,"Enough about me and NAN..what is your name?"<br />
<br />
The man replies...My name is TONTO GOLDBERG, but my friends call me BUBBABrad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-63220731588507108942011-09-27T09:33:00.000-07:002011-09-27T09:33:00.713-07:00No Returns PleaseA man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.<br />
<br />
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour (160 km/hr) Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, \ the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up.<br />
<br />
He pulls over to the curb.<br />
<br />
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."<br />
<br />
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"<br />
<br />
The officer let him go.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-67931463947444039292011-09-23T10:43:00.000-07:002011-09-23T10:43:00.209-07:00President Clinton and the popePresident Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets was to hell.<br />
<br />
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error<br />
<br />
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven.<br />
<br />
On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.<br />
<br />
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.<br />
<br />
President Clinton: No problem.<br />
<br />
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.<br />
<br />
President Clinton: Why's that?<br />
<br />
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.<br />
<br />
President Clinton: You're a day late.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-10741813297912390762011-09-15T09:37:00.000-07:002011-09-15T09:37:00.423-07:00Letter to HeavenA little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.<br />
<br />
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, <br />
USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.<br />
<br />
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:<br />
<br />
Dear Lord,<br />
<br />
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
TommyBrad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-59883005289765198682011-09-01T09:01:00.000-07:002011-09-01T09:01:00.801-07:00Dogs and Their OwnersFour men were talking about how smart their dog's were. The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog "T Squared" could do drafting. He told the dog to get some paper; draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did easily.<br />
<br />
The Accountant , said his dog "Spreadsheet", was smarter. He told his dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide the cookies into piles of three, which the dog did with no problem.<br />
<br />
The Chemist, said his dog "Beaker", was even smarter. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass, which the dog did with no problem.<br />
<br />
The three men then turned to the bureuacrat and asked what could his dog do. The bureuacrat called his dog "Coffee Break" and told him to show the guys what he could do. Coffee Break then trotted over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workers compensation and left for home on sick leave - with pay!Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-22718996409554036592011-08-27T09:41:00.000-07:002011-08-27T09:41:00.412-07:00Women vs Men<u><b>HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME</b></u><br />
<br />
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,<br />
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if<br />
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME</b></u><br />
<br />
Show up naked.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-22269966768463706972011-08-20T09:43:00.000-07:002011-08-20T09:43:00.570-07:00MathAn 80 year old couple were celebrating their 50th anniversary.<br />
<br />
The old woman said that she was tired of her husband cause he never wanted to have sex, so she was going to go get a 20 year old male stripper for the night.<br />
<br />
This made the old man upset so he told his wife that he was going to get a 20 year old female stripper for the night.<br />
<br />
So the old woman laughed and laughed at the old man.<br />
<br />
He wanted to know why she was laughing.<br />
<br />
She told him that 20 goes into 80 better than 80 goes into 20.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-24867912394118286712011-08-15T09:44:00.000-07:002011-08-15T09:44:00.325-07:00Human Intelligence1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"<br />
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"<br />
<br />
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."<br />
<br />
2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?"<br />
<br />
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."<br />
-----<br />
<br />
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker-now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?"<br />
<br />
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key<br />
and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk."<br />
--------<br />
<br />
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'mnot stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"<br />
--------<br />
<br />
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that,<br />
the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.<br />
--------<br />
<br />
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back t make a sandwich.<br />
--------<br />
<br />
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered<br />
said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-59253925329518298532011-08-06T09:53:00.000-07:002011-08-06T09:53:00.211-07:00WinkingA man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.<br />
<br />
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."<br />
<br />
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"<br />
<br />
"Really? Great! Show me!"<br />
<br />
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.<br />
<br />
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!"<br />
<br />
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"<br />
<br />
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-23576317044792278642011-07-29T09:56:00.000-07:002011-07-29T09:56:00.172-07:00Religious GolfJesus and Moses were playing golf and Jesus had a pretty bad shot over a water hazard onto the green. Moses told Jesus to use a 4 iron (a certain type of golf club - for those of you who are non-golfers) and Jesus said that if the world's most famous golfer, Jack Nicholas, can succeed using a 3 iron than he can use a 3 iron as well.<br />
<br />
Again, Jesus hit the ball with the 3 iron and the ball fell right in the water - a horrible situation for a golfer.<br />
<br />
He asked Moses to go get his ball so Moses went and parted the water and got the ball. He then asked Jesus if he now was going to you use a 4 iron.<br />
<br />
He argued again if Jack Nicholas can use a 3 iron he can use a 3 iron and he proceeded to hit his ball in the water again, and again he asked Moses to get his ball.<br />
<br />
Moses said if he hit his ball in the water one more time, than he would have to get the ball himself from the water.<br />
<br />
"So, will you use the 4 iron now, asked Moses"<br />
<br />
Jesus repeated again "If Jack Nicholas can use a 3 iron... and he proceeded to plop the ball directly into the water - AGAIN.<br />
<br />
Jesus didn't bother asking Moses again to help out, so he went out himself to get his ball. At the same time, a man walked by and saw him walking on the water and asked Moses. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"<br />
<br />
"No", replied Moses, "Jack Nicholas."Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-55294721193599619562011-07-15T09:58:00.000-07:002011-07-15T09:58:00.417-07:00Computers in MoviesEver notice computers as depicted in movies? You computer guru's will know what I'm talking about... not sure about everyone else... Here are some things to watch for...<br />
<br />
Word processors never display a cursor.<br />
<br />
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.<br />
<br />
All monitors display inch-high letters.<br />
<br />
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or <br />
some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.<br />
<br />
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply <br />
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress" or "Independence Day").<br />
<br />
All computers are connected. You can access the information on <br />
the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.<br />
<br />
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever <br />
the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.<br />
<br />
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.<br />
<br />
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving <br />
the data.<br />
<br />
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world <br />
before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.<br />
<br />
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see <br />
"Demolition Man" and countless others).<br />
<br />
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will <br />
be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.<br />
<br />
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the <br />
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.<br />
<br />
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.<br />
<br />
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any<br />
system you put it into. All application software is usable by <br />
all computer platforms. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.<br />
<br />
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- <br />
dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.<br />
<br />
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing <br />
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY <br />
Supercomputer.<br />
<br />
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it <br />
projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-75213930079255457302011-07-07T10:22:00.000-07:002011-07-07T10:22:00.437-07:00A visit to the doctorA couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's office.<br />
The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"<br />
<br />
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"<br />
<br />
The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00.<br />
<br />
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"<br />
<br />
The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from from insurance company for a visit to the<br />
doctors office.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-14194677191255424522011-06-30T10:23:00.000-07:002011-06-30T10:23:02.702-07:00Painless Baby DeliveryA married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. <br />
<br />
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.<br />
<br />
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.<br />
<br />
At this point they decided to try for 50%.<br />
<br />
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. <br />
<br />
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-48084995565840925302011-06-23T10:20:00.000-07:002011-06-23T10:20:00.871-07:00The Age of ConsentA policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.<br />
<br />
He stopped to investigate<br />
<br />
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said,<br />
<br />
"Yes, Officer?"<br />
<br />
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.<br />
<br />
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading thismagazine."<br />
<br />
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"<br />
<br />
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied,<br />
"I think she's knitting a sweater."<br />
<br />
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"<br />
"I'm nineteen," he replied.<br />
<br />
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.<br />
<br />
The young man looked at his watch and said,<br />
<br />
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-9902059332642721042011-06-18T10:32:00.000-07:002011-06-18T10:32:00.320-07:00Difference of the sexesAre Men and Women really the same?<br />
<br />
Read these two versions of getting a haircut and answer the question yourself.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Women's version:</b></u><br />
<br />
<br />
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!<br />
<br />
Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?<br />
<br />
Woman 2: Oh Lord no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.<br />
<br />
Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.<br />
<br />
Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.<br />
<br />
Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.<br />
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -<br />
<br />
<u><b>Men's version:</b></u><br />
<br />
<br />
Man2: Haircut?<br />
Man1: Yeah.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-13896791597795065232011-06-13T11:09:00.000-07:002011-06-13T11:09:00.371-07:00The ZooOne day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.<br />
<br />
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.<br />
<br />
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion<br />
furious, but the crowd loves it.<br />
<br />
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.<br />
<br />
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible<br />
day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls.<br />
The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.<br />
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage<br />
with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,<br />
<br />
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-47360916439151035832011-06-07T10:42:00.000-07:002011-06-07T10:42:00.405-07:00The StatueFor decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such<br />
exemplary statues, " he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.<br />
<br />
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of<br />
branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.<br />
<br />
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-84097357855437672972011-05-31T11:00:00.000-07:002011-05-31T11:00:03.958-07:00Sleeping in the barnA rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn. <br />
<br />
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." <br />
<br />
So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. <br />
<br />
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-28128351512123438582011-05-16T14:25:00.000-07:002011-05-16T14:25:00.439-07:00Resume Mistakes to avoidBelow are some examples of mistakes you don't want to make on your resume... <br />
<br />
- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my <br />
ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." <br />
<br />
- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, <br />
curses in accounting." <br />
<br />
- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain <br />
store." <br />
<br />
- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." <br />
<br />
- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." <br />
<br />
- "I am a rabid typist." <br />
<br />
- "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and <br />
selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." <br />
<br />
- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not <br />
appropriate for business." <br />
<br />
- "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." <br />
<br />
- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." <br />
<br />
- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing <br />
and absolutely no one." <br />
<br />
- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." <br />
<br />
- "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." <br />
<br />
- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they <br />
were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." <br />
<br />
- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training <br />
in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." <br />
<br />
- "I procrastinate-especially when the task is unpleasant." <br />
<br />
- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to <br />
resond to my resume on my office voicemanil." <br />
<br />
- "Qualifications: No education or experience." <br />
<br />
- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." <br />
<br />
- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." <br />
<br />
- "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" <br />
<br />
- Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from <br />
you shorty!"Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8604350386341738504.post-53138726671072223842011-05-05T14:27:00.000-07:002011-05-05T14:27:00.441-07:00Darwin Awards - Supplimental NomineesWhen a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked <br />
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police <br />
arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor <br />
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man <br />
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the <br />
motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle <br />
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd <br />
ever had. <br />
<br />
*** <br />
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was <br />
a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone <br />
and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the <br />
newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the <br />
thief was arrested. <br />
<br />
*** <br />
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after <br />
allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest <br />
four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, <br />
weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his <br />
getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. <br />
<br />
*** <br />
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in <br />
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The <br />
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" <br />
in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said <br />
Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in <br />
court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge <br />
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he <br />
required a five-minute recess to compose himself. <br />
<br />
*** <br />
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso <br />
from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all <br />
of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. <br />
They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the <br />
gas company on the side of the truck. <br />
<br />
*** <br />
Oklahoma City -Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery <br />
of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired <br />
his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, <br />
was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager <br />
testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the <br />
woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] <br />
head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been <br />
the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton <br />
and recommend a 30-year sentence. <br />
<br />
*** <br />
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing <br />
their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit <br />
neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers <br />
asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his <br />
driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments <br />
later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed <br />
that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. <br />
Louis, Missouri.Brad D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08308820019296726469noreply@blogger.com0