Saturday, April 30, 2011

Drinking Problem

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He  spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated,  around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting  the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door  and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for  his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But,  Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's  behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.  The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a  little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why  don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a  kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight,  he arrived home, in his usual condition.  His wife heard him at the  door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.  This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took  his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy  chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she  went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while,  she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs  to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as  well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Friday, April 15, 2011

The absolute worst things to say to a police officer

Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better left unsaid.

 - Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep  up with me!   Good job!

 - Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector  wasn't plugged in.

 - I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

 - Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

 - Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?

 - You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

 - "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

 - I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there is no other car around,  that's how far I am behind the other cars.

 - You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

 - "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test,  now stick this in your mouth and blow"

 - Didn't I see you get your but kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

 - Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my next to my girlfriend's bed.

 - I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

 - So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

 - Gee, officer!  That's terrific.  The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

 - Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

 - So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your    gun when you were little?

 - Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

 - When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.

 - Is it true that people become policemen because they are too  dumb to work at McDonalds?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The mailman's last day

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of  carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same  neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was  greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The  folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing  lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful  woman in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand, gently led  him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew  his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!  When  he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant  breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and  fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she poured  him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar  bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But  what's the dollar for"?

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be  your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I  asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him.  Give him a  dollar".  "The breakfast was my idea!!"