Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Rules for a safe any happy halloween

1.  When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2.   Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3.   Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone  out.

4.   If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language  which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save  you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several  rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak  with somebody else's voice.

5.   When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it  alone.

6.   As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to  Hell.

7.   Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This  would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8.   If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and  find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9.   If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10.   Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11.   If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a  good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12.   Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure  you know what you're doing.

13.   If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall  down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are  running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14.   If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15.   Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16.   If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not  go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17.   Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18.   If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

19.  If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,

20.  Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween Groaner

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin boiunced  after him faster....faster...BUMPBUMPBUMP.

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward  him.  The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly "the coffin stops."

Friday, October 29, 2010

Two Nuns and a Mini Dracula

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Halloween Humor

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

What is a vampire's favorite sport?

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A cabbie and a nun

 A  cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. 

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me.   When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."  

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." 

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:   #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." 

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back  on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" 

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK,   I'm on my way to a Halloween party my outfit is just an old habit."

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Chiseling with Fear

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a
ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"My family are such fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name and here I have to correct it!"

Funny Customs from the 1500's

From: The Daily Joke: From: The Daily Joke: Well, if I ever wondered where all the funny phrases like bringing home the bacon came from. This article provides some interesting and funny ideas. Who knows if they are all true, but then again no one in the 1500's can defend themselves today..right?<br /><br /><a href="



 Modify Subscription Options

Monday, October 25, 2010


This one bat returned from a long hard day's work of collecting blood. Upon his return to the bat cave, he proceeded to hang from his perch whereupon a group of his friends noticed the blood from around his mouth.

They approached him and continually badgered him to tell the others where he got that blood. Although he was exhausted, he finally agreed to show the other bats where he got the blood under the condition that the other bats would leave him alone. They all agreed. So, the bat left the cave and with him flew all of the other bats. The flew through the valley, and over the bushes. The flew around the rocks and past the hills.

Finally the one bat stopped by this one particular tree which stuck out sharply from the side of a hill and waited for the other bats to catch up to him. As he and his fellow bats hovered
in front of the tree, he asked, "Ok all you bats. Do you see this sharp edged tree?"

and they all responded in unison, "Yes?"

Then the bat responded..."Well, I didn't."

Friday, October 22, 2010

Atheism Humor: Seriously, a Religion? | PurpleSlinky

From: The Daily Joke: Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He was lying awake all night wondering if there was really a Dog.<BR><BR>How many atheists did it take to fix the light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and another to videotape the job so that others would not claim that it was Gods doing.<P><A HREF="http:



 Modify Subscription Options

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers

If you are like us, who travel nonstop around the world,
you'll appreciate these truisms.

 1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

 2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

 3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

 4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

 5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon  as you touch pen to paper.

 6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats  on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area.    Just look for the two largest passengers.

 7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to  get up to go to the lavatory.

 8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

 9. The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is never seated next to you - even if the guy at the check  out counter guaranteed you a "good" seat

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Ventrilouquist

A ventriloquist was visiting the far off countryside with no one around  when suddenly he saw a lonely shepherd by his house sitting on the porch patting his dog.  He decided he wanted to have a little fun...

Ventriloquist:  "Hey--good looking dog, mate.  Mind if I speak to him?"

Shepherd       "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist:  "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog:           "Doin' alright."

Shepherd        <extreme look of shock>

Ventriloquist:  "Is this Shepherd your owner?"  <pointing at the man>

Dog:            "Yep"

Ventriloquist:  "How does he treat you?"

Dog:            "Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me  great food, and  takes me to the lake once a  week to play."

Shepherd        <look of disbelief>

Ventriloquist:  "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Shepherd       "Horse doesn't talk either."

Ventriloquist:  "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse:          "Cool."

Shepherd        <extreme look of shock>

Ventriloquist:  "Is this your owner?"  <pointing at the Shepherd>

Horse:          "Yep"

Ventriloquist:  "How's he treat you?"

Horse:          "Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me                  regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Shepherd         <total look of amazement>

Ventriloquist:  "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Shepherd        " The Sheep Lies."

Thursday, October 7, 2010


From: The Daily Joke: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A Chicago salesman on a business trip to Boston had a few hours to kill before catching a plane home. Remembering an old friend's advice to try some broiled scrod, a favorite fish in Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver, "Say, do you know where I could get scrod around here?"<br />



 Modify Subscription Options

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Oh those Engineers

From: The Daily Joke: Two software engineers were standing in the park.<br /><br />One had a new bike.<br /><br />The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"<br /><br />The first said , "It was free."<br /><br />The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"<br /><br />The one with the bike



 Modify Subscription Options

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Parrot

There was this quiet, conservative man who happened to own a parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth was driving the man crazy. One day, it just got to be too much.

The guy grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he would start swearing even more.

The guy finally got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who contined to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make a sailor blush.

At that point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot into the freezer!

For the first few seconds the bird started swearing at words at the top of his lungs

He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place. Then it suddenly became VERY quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed on the man's out-stretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about all the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot. Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Tiger Woods The Jesus Shot

Tiger Woods can Walk on Water while golfing , a great viral video from EA Games.

Here’s a funny example of marketing at work, and making fun of themselves in the process.

So I guess when they orginally released the 08 Tiger Woods golf game, there was a software glitch, a YouTube user noticed this glitch and uploaded it to YouTube for everyon to see.

Watch this video to see how EA Games responded! It’s not a glitch! It’s a feature.


Friday, October 1, 2010

The Hijaker

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place.  The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along  with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's  head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains  all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed  the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and  he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot  me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun  to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm  gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but  the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's  ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit  in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind  some crates in the hold, and tied him up.  The pilot then asked the  stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."