Monday, October 31, 2011

The new PC Terms when talking about a female

         She is not:
         A BAD COOK
         She is:
         MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

        She does not:
         GET PMS
         She becomes:
         HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

         She does not have:
         A KILLER BODY
         She is:
         TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

         She is not:
         A BAD DRIVER
         She is:
         AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

         She is not a:
         PERFECT 10
         She is:
         NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

         She is not:
         EASY
         She is:
         HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

         She does not:
         HATE SPORTS ON TV
         She is:
         ATHLETICALLY BIASED

         You do not ask her:
         TO DANCE
         You request a:
         PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

         She is not:
         HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
         She is:
         MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

         She is not:
         COLD OR FRIGID
         She is:
         THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

         She does not:
         WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
         She is:
         COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

         She does not have:
         GREAT CLEAVAGE
         Her breasts are:
         CENTRALLY LOCATED

         She is not:
         A SCREAMER OR MOANER
         She is:
         VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

         She does not:
         SUN BATHE
         She experiences:
         SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

         She does not:
         CUT YOU OFF
         She becomes:
         HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

         She does not have:
         BIG HAIR
         She is:
         OVERLY AEROSOLED

         She does not:
         SHOP TOO MUCH
         She is:
         OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Elvis

Well, Elvis is in the news again this week... It's about this time every year that we hear about his birth, life and death.  Here in Minnesota, we even have an "Elvis" day at the state fair (largest state fair in the country) where you see hundreds of "Elvi" roaming the streets and loitering in the beer gardens.

I sent the following Elvis comparisons out in 1993 and they were a hit then... We'll do it again now for all the new people since 1993 that perhaps have not seen this.

---------------------------------
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor."  (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and
drink."(John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for
breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According
to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A
Golden Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as
snow."(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood
shop.   Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair
styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or
"Aaron".

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Strange but true? - you decide

1 A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.

2.  Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance, a  neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled.

3. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

4.  A few years ago in California there was a raging brush fire. Once the fire was extinguished, the firefighters began the process of clean-up. In the middle of where the fire had been burning, they found a dead man wearing a scuba tank and wet suit. At first the firefighters were baffled as to why a man would be out in the middle of the countryside wearing full scuba gear.
Upon further examination, it was determined that the man died from the impact with the ground and not the fire. As best anyone can determine, this man was scuba diving off the coast of California and was accidentally picked up by one of the fire fighting aircraft when it was refilling its water tanks
offshore.

5.  Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

NAN

A man goes into a bar and noticing a very attractive woman, sits beside her. Looking her over, he notices her brief case with the letters NAN and says, "NAN can I buy you a drink?".

The girl looks up and says, "Yes you can , but my name is not NAN."

To which the man replies, ì what does Nan stand for. The lady explains that NAN is the National Association of Nyphomanics and that they are having a local convention.

To which the man asks, What do they discuss at these conventions.

The Lady replies that they discuss the attributes of men......for example we know that Native American Men are well endowed, that Jewish men know exactly what to say to a woman and that men from the countryside have staying power.  They can go on for hours on end.

Then she says,"Enough about me and NAN..what is your name?"

The man replies...My name is TONTO GOLDBERG, but my friends call me BUBBA